the new term for farting is butt boxing.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
