Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
