please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
