Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
