My hand turned me down
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
