Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I forgot wine drunk hurts
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
