Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
