A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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