Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
