I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That accounts for only three of the penises
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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