my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
