So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
