dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
