There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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