i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
