Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Randomize
