He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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