I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
