you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
