I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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