hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
