This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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