DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
