Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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