I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i used baking grease as lip gloss
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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