I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
