Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
