i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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