So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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