We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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