I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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