**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
