My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
