Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
