I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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