Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
