So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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