is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My bed smells like the plague
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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