Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
