broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
