First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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