hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
