Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
