Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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