Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You smell like stripper and shame
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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