Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
