I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
