I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
