You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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