someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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