my mouth tastes like poor choices
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
