The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
this hospital has no fireball
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
