we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
